just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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