I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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