dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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