that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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