My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
