guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We got so high we made milksteak
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
