I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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