I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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