Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
