how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize