i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize
