so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize