He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
