I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Your cock deserves a montage
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
