I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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