dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
