What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
