your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
