I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
