bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
