Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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