so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
