puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
