I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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