I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
