So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
