Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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