Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
