I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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