i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
