It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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