this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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