so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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