I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
