if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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