Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
