so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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