Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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