hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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