is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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