Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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