I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
