Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
