I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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