Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
