Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
