i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
