My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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