all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
