Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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