New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
