My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
