I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
