i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
