I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
