Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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