She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
