she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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