She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
