my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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