why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize