If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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