I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
This is not my ceiling
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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