Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
