I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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